On World Suicide Prevention Day, Joni looks back on her past of depression. A community surrounded her with God’s love, giving her a flicker of hope that rescued her. If you know someone struggling, show them Jesus’s love and that life is worth living. Find helpful resources at www.joniradio.org today.
Find helpful resources at www.joniradio.org today for people struggling with suicide.
SHAUNA: This is Shauna, on Joni Eareckson Tada: Sharing Hope. Now, Joni I know you’ve got a topic today that well, it’s simply hard to talk about.
JONI: That’s right. This morning, I learned that my friend’s grandson, a young man back in Pennsylvania, ended his life with an overdose. It wasn’t an accident; the boy left a note to his family. Even at his young age, it seems he couldn’t find hope enough to live on; the loneliness the despair for him was just too much. But I felt sick just hearing this. Even though I guess I once experienced the same – the emotional deadness when you just want to just disappear, just vanish. It’s so tragic when you feel that way. Decades ago, when I was about the age of that grandson who took his own life, I sank into such a dark depression. They said I would never walk or use my hands. And at that, my mind recoiled and nearly every night for 12 months that I was on that Stryker, I had nightmares [I should explain. A Stryker is a flat canvas frame that you lie on and then they place a separate canvas frame on top of you and flip you over]. They tighten the straps so that then when you’re facedown, you’re looking at the floor for hours. And when I was facedown and people stood over me, I could see their feet, but they looked like hooves, the cloven hooves of demons. And I would beg not to be turned face-up because I did not want to see these demon’s faces. During that time, I sank so low I could not eat. The whole nightmarish cycle made me so much more depressed. Things would never be better. And I will admit I tried to kill myself by wrenching my head back-and-forth on my pillow. I wanted to break my neck up higher and just disappear.
One night, long after visiting hours, my high school girlfriend ran up the back stairs of the hospital; she snuck past the nurse’s station, slipped into my room, and crawled onto my hospital bed beside me. She snuggled close and began to softly sing, “Man of sorrows what a name, for the son of God who came, ruined sinners to reclaim, hallelujah, what a Savior.” It ended up being a turning point. I did not drop thoughts of suicide, but I sensed the faint flicker of hope. Somehow, I felt connected to community. When friends reached out, I stopped pushing them away. Slowly, I felt like living again. Especially when my little nephews came to see me – I realized I wanted to live for them. And then, I found that the Bible [at least parts of it] were really helpful. I was no longer isolated. And I started listening when people would ascribe positive meaning to my plight. And that’s when I made a choice: I didn’t want to go through hell anymore; I wanted to get on the road to hope. And when I look back on that dark time – hope was [hope is] everything. I read Romans 15, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace [that means all joy and peace, not just some, or a little] all joy and peace as you trust in him.” So, I started to do that. I started to trust in him. And I’ve never turned back.
I wish I could’ve shared all this with that young man who ended his life last night. It’s too late for him. But if you know someone like him [someone struggling with depression, feeling isolated], please stand in the gap. Do something, say something to a person of influence in his life. Don’t draw away. Lift him up in prayer. Engage his friends or his parents. Warn people that he might know at church. And because this is World Suicide Prevention Day, reach out to the suicide prevention resources in your community. Would you like to learn more? Well, I’ve posted a video on this subject at joniradio.org.
© Joni and Friends