Whatever distress you may feel, God’s grace can and will meet you there. Let your discouraging circumstances be that glorious place of encountering the living God – and you will never be the same.
See behind the scenes of Joni's portrait of depression here.
Thanks, Shauna. And I’m going to tell a story I’ve never shared here.
After my accident, when I started to consider the lordship of Christ in my life, I got rid of everything that reminded me of my “bad old days.” I tossed music albums, love letters, trashy magazines, and the empty daydreams that they all fostered. What convicted me was Luke 9:62 where Jesus said: “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” I tell ya, I didn’t want to be that person. I did not want to look back, especially on my old life. Of the many things I dumped in the trash can, I included a drawing from my days when I was in the hospital. Back then, I was struggling through a season of deep depression. And so, my occupational therapist – knowing that I had artistic talent – she challenged me to draw.
“Draw whatever you’re feeling on the inside,” she said. And then she pushed my wheelchair up to a table easel, gave me a pastel pencil, and as I reached for the sketchpad, gripping the pencil between my teeth, all my anguish poured out.
As I sketched, a self-portrait took shape. It wasn’t the free-spirited, energetic Joni that I used to be on my feet. No, I drew my face hemmed in by the Stryker frame, that flat metal frame that I had been lying on for nearly a year. The padding to support my head while I faced downward formed stark lines across my forehead and chin, and my eyes peered out from between those pads, filled with desolation.
“God, I can’t do this!” I cried as I drew. “You’ve got the wrong person! This can’t be my life.”
This portrait of my depression reminded me of so many questions I had hurled at God. Those angry questions were like shaking my fist at heaven rather than asking sincere questions for which I truly desired answers. But long after I completed that sullen portrait of myself and began to earnestly seek God’s purpose for my broken neck, I just couldn’t tolerate that sketch being around. Its drooping lines dragged me back to the past, that awful place, and I could not bear it and so, my charcoal drawing had to go – it was trashed.
I thought little more of it until the making of the Joni movie. While re-enacting the months I spent in the hospital, I was asked to recreate my self-portrait. It had to be done quickly and so a friend helped me complete it on time. And as my sorrowful eyes took shape once again in front of me, I realized that, in a way, my face of anguish was the portrait of any of us who struggles through depression and despair. Though I trashed the first drawing, this recreated piece is perhaps the most meaningful and treasured work of art that I possess. Instead of pulling me back to the past, for me, it’s a reminder of how the grace of God met me there and changed me. God stepped into my life at my lowest point. He stood by me and lifted me up out of my despondency.
So friend, whatever distress you may feel, God’s grace can and will meet you there. Let your discouraging circumstances be that glorious place of – well, of encountering the living God – and you will never be the same. Oh, and to encourage you, come to joniradio.org where you can see my drawing and watch a video where I talk more about it. Let God’s grace meet you in your place of discouragement. But first, visit joniradio.org.
© Joni and Friends