Caregivers need breaks too. Continuing National Caregivers Month, hear Joni talk about the struggles that caregivers in her life go through.
Hi, I’m Joni Eareckson Tada with a word of caution for caregivers.
This is National Family Caregivers month and I'm paying special tribute to all the wonderful caregivers who help their disabled wives or husbands; or maybe they help an elderly parent or give care to a special-needs child. All you caregivers have my utmost affection and respect. I am the humble recipient [after all] of my husband’s care, and I see, I know, I understand how difficult it can be. And it’s why I want to share a word of caution.
A short time ago, my friend who usually helps stay overnight with me to give Ken a break, she went on a month-long trip, and so, Ken and I did not have her help for a whole four weeks. That meant that my husband for about 30 nights straight had to get up at 4 AM, 3:30 AM, to turn me, re-tuck my pillows, put me on my other side. And, somewhere halfway through, maybe about 15 nights of this routine, I could sense that Ken was getting a little overwhelmed, not to mention tired; interrupted sleep will do that. And sometimes it’s hard for him to get back to sleep once he has gotten up in the middle of the night to help me. Now granted, Ken is a strong believer, but he can fall prey to those dark voices that whisper, “No one has it as bad as you do. What about other husbands, they don’t do this. Isn’t this paralysis of hers awful, look what it demands of you, you deserve better than this.”
To be honest, my husband does not say those things out loud, but I can see it in his eyes. I can hear it in the tiredness of his voice. I can sense it when he seems a little stand-offish. And if Ken doesn’t watch it, he can succumb to those voices that allow resentment to build. When I see that happen, oh my goodness, I move into high gear; I ask for help. Sometimes it feels a little awkward asking some single woman at church to stay overnight with me; but hey, I have got to ask for help. And if this church friend is agreeable, I'll tell Ken to spend the afternoon with his buddies, or go out to dinner with them, or go exercise, or take a walk, visit a fly-fishing shop, set up his lounge chair outside the back door and read his favorite book that he’s working on until 2 AM. The message that I want to convey? “Ken, I’ve got you covered; don’t worry about me! You need a break.”
And if you are a caregiver – if you are listening and, like me, you are the recipient of someone’s care, think as a team. Work together. Like Philippians 2 says, “Look out for the other’s interests before your own.” Caregivers cannot do it on their own; they need breaks – they need help. And if there are no breaks, and no one asks for help? A caregiver can really feel put upon and become quietly resentful. And we do not want to give the devil that kind of toehold, right? John Lawrence once wrote, “The noblest souls are often the most tempted. The devil is a sportsman, and he likes big game. He makes the deadliest assaults on the richest of natures, the finest minds, and the noblest spirits.” Yep, that’s my husband. And as the one who receives care from him, I am going to do everything I can to help him ward off the devil’s schemes.
If you are a caregiver, or you know someone who helps a disabled family member, whether an adult or a child, I have got a great resource that you can give that friend. It’s called Help for the Caregiver and it’s overflowing with practical tips and important insights to keep your caregiving fresh. It’s yours free for the asking at joniradio.org. Again, that’s joniradio.org.
© Joni and Friends